In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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