I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
