just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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