Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
