I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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