"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
