make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
