I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
