i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
