Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
