I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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