he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
