Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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