This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
