I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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