Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
