Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
