im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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