I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
