the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
