My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
