Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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