So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
