i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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