Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
