the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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