ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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