I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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