My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
