apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
