i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
