made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she smelled like a LAN party
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
