i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
FUCK WHALES
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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