Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
