I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
