just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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