I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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