I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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