Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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