Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
