i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
