Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
