last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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