I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
