i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This is classic penis vs brain.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
