You made me cry and you don't even care
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
