guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sarcasm needs its own font
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
