My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
