I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
