I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
