how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
